Where did we leave off? Relationships in AA?
I ended it with loverboy after my January court date. It was amicable and mature, though we may or may not still bang from time to time– you know, classic healthy, sober, adult behavior. Ha.
Actually, before I get too down on myself, it is moderately healthy behavior, I wanted him to be more enthusiastic about doing shit–really anything–instead of us spending all of our time together after 11pm at his house. As I get healthier, I am becoming annoyingly energetic (it’s not annoying to me, I fucking love it). I wake up early and stay up late, I exercise, hang out with friends, I paint, I get shit done and instead of crashing and burning about 5.5 months ago like I usually would have, I’ve sustained this energy. That isn’t where he’s at and that’s okay. If we still enjoy certain aspects of each other’s company (i.e. making music and bumping uglies) , I think that’s okay too. Due to my past experiences of both wildly reckless promiscuity and carefully buried victimization, I’ve been analyzing everything to extremes–why am I doing this? Am I backsliding? How will this negatively affect my sobriety?–I’ve come to the temporary conclusion that I need to give myself a fucking break.
In other news, I have one day until I finish my 30 day stint in Work Release. Something that bugged the hell out of me when I first went in and over the course of the first few weeks was when I would encounter people that would tell me that I’d be okay or that it wouldn’t be so bad. I feel like some, if not most, people would interpret these comments as supportive and encouraging, I, on the other hand, felt myself closing up and getting annoyed if they came from someone who had not been in work release/the criminal system before. In my head, it went a little something like this. “You will be okay”–yes, I know I will be okay, I’m always okay, even when I’m not okay. “It’s not that bad”–it probably isn’t as bad as it could be by any means but could you just let me stew in my anxiety, fear, anger, guilt, etc. for a moment instead of reassuring me that I will emotionally survive this experience that you have as little information about as I do? Thank you! 10th step resentment shit, right?
I am okay and it wasn’t so bad. That doesn’t mean that I am not fucking ecstatic to get out and GO HOME. I’ve been struggling my ass off these past few weeks, having nightmares about relapse, thinking about it all day. That’s what scares me, That is why I’m not always okay and that is what is that bad. Being babysat for 30 days while working my ass off 7 days a week (don’t get me wrong, I love my jobs) compounds everything. I feel far from the group, rushed, and cut off. 6 months and I am crazier than a coconut.
But, as usual, I’m hanging in there. My sponsor told me to start giving it back, so I’m raising my hand in meetings now. I’m excited to be a sponsor and grateful to be sober, even more so when my pink cloud turns to a shit-storm.
202 days of sobriety