I am a stodgy bitch when it comes to forgiveness. Seriously, I hold grudges like a drowning person holds a life vest. It’s pretty warped. I am slow to anger but even slower to get the fuck over it. That’s probably why it has been so surprising that so many people have been willing to forgive me. In some cases, they even act like there was nothing to forgive in the first place. Straight-up unconditional love and friendship. I am one lucky gal to have so much of it surging around me.
A particular case of this comes with my most recent big decision in sobriety. Going to grad school. I finished my undergrad a little over two years ago and since then I’ve been completely unsure of when and if I was going to continue my education. Considering that I already have pleeenty of student loan debt and a pretty large devotion to destroying my brain cells, it wasn’t even remotely responsible to consider going back to school (for psychology, no less). But wouldn’t you know it, about a month into sobriety, I woke up, put my feet on the floor, and actually, I shit you not, exlaimed “I have to go to Grad School!”. I might have been half asleep at the time but I still signed up for the GRE and started my application. Asking for recommendations and relapsing have really been my major concern during this period of time. I asked 3 past professors and then didn’t hear back from them for about a month. A few days ago, they all sent in my recommendations. Awe-some. One of these professors witnessed me in true drunk form on a trip to Indonesia years ago. I fucked up big time, yet this man was happy to recommend me for a PHD. Bless him, that is forgiveness. That also is an excellent reminder that even though I still treat my brain and soul like a pinata, people are willing to vouch for my potential for goodness and to show that they see something in me that I was sure I had lost.
I am beyond grateful. I’m also scared shitless, but that’s because I’m starting to realize that I still have so much to lose, which makes me work all the harder to stay sober and nurture my relationships.
I’m all over the place this morning and I have to study, but I’m giddy with gratitude and that’s a fucking awesome way to be.
Hang in there,
98 days sober