The first time I ever had a drink was actually earlier on than I initially remembered. I was babysitting. I had put the kids to bed and was riffling around the kitchen for something to snack on while I waited for their parents to return home. There was a box of chilled wine in the fridge. I remember a curiosity rising in me and the sour, watery tast of the wine hitting my tongue. I felt nothing other than a brief thrill of fear.
It wasn’t until the summer after my Senior year that I actively sought drinking. This was a delight to my friends who had spent several years of frustration as I tee-totaled my way through high school, terrified of trouble and my step-father’s actively abusive grip on my psyche.
I got drunk for the first time in a safe place with safe people and, truth be told, it was wonderful. I felt my morose and anxious personality float up above my head like a smoke-filled balloon. The first few months of my drinking were, if averaged, a fairly good-natured time. I was delusionally pleased that I hadn’t immediately turned into a monster the second I lost my first brain cells to booze. Drinking, to me, felt like taking a big gulp of air after spending several years underwater. It removed me from my body and for a brief time seemed a viable treatment for both my mania and depression. Hell, even after I became aware that I was causing harm rather than treating it, I remained consistently loaded hoping for alternative results.
So the story continues and here we are at Incomprehensible Demoralization. Cue the attempted walk of shame from a mostly horrendous 6 years of drinking, drugging, and general self abuse. I say “mostly horrendous” in an attempt to convince myself that drinking wasn’t fun (it sometimes was very fun). As I have chosen the route of AA, this self talk would constitute Step 1: We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. I believe that both of these statements apply to me, sure, but do I really believe that there will never come a time when my life could include alcohol and be manageable at the same time?
Hopefully. I’m really trying to hammer that information in there.
I’m 24, I’ve got stories, and I think it would help me to write them out.
I hope it helps someone else in the process.
87 days sober